I want nothing more than for them to be parents, I really want to do the honor of helping them become parents for the first time, but ultimately I just want them to have their baby, whether it’s with me or not.
Thankful Thursday - The Road Less Traveled
I guess it’s fair to say that life presented the option to me to take “the road less traveled” at a very young age, even though that road was one that didn’t fit into my meticulously thought out, life “plan” at the time. My father passed away after a nearly life long battle with Lupus when I was barely 16 years old. Like any child that has lost a parent, I was devastated. Mostly grief stricken by the loss of such a significant person in my life but also completely distraught over all of the major life events that would no longer play out like I had always imagined, daydreamed about, even planned and in some instances, Type A orchestrated in my mind, since I was a small child. My father wouldn’t see me graduate from high school, move me into my first dorm, cheer me on during undergraduate graduation and then see me get my graduate degree, as well. I’d be walking down the aisle one day, alone. He’d never get the chance to see himself in my child’s eyes as he held him for the very first time. Growing up with a chronically ill parent – you have a tendency to daydream about the future. You imagine better days, celebrations with no need for medications or dialysis treatments, or Dad passing out and being rushed to the hospital in the middle of Christmas Eve Mass. All of my dreams seemed to vanish in a matter of moments that sunny, March morning that I watched my father die in our home.
The transfer failed. WHAT!? How can this be? She has always gotten pregnant so easily and never experienced any complications or loss. The thought of a failure hadn’t even crossed her mind.
No one ever wants to talk about these possibilities because we don’t want to add any bad juju, negative thinking or stress. Only “sticky thoughts” and “positive vibes”
Thankful Thursday – Unexpected Moments of Awe
Monday evening, sitting on the couch finally unwinding from a hellish few days with very sick twin 3 year-olds, feeling a bit lousy myself, a text popped up on my phone. Upon opening it, my breath completely left my body. Aunt Diane, my father’s youngest sister (youngest of 9 total!) had found a photo of my father at age 6 or 7 that she thought I’d enjoy. I knew it was my father, of course but I was literally staring at my son Reed’s face just a few short years from now. I was overcome with emotion, tears filled my eyes. I was completely in awe. His sweet expression so comforting to me.
Thankful Thursday - Children “Growing Up”
I became a surrogate when my children were 3 years and 5 years old. After that, in their minds, in order to get pregnant, you had to go to California where doctors put a baby or two in your tummy. That was good enough for them, and me, until last year.
My daughter is now 9 years old. Last year we had “the talk” after she began to ask questions. We read a book together that was very basic and straight to the point. I spared the details for a more mature age but we have maintained an open dialogue about the subject ever since.
My entire life, I’ve often felt like I don’t quite fit in. That folks don’t really “get” me – that I was always lingering on the edges trying to be just like everyone else, to be accepted. Weird, emotional, too serious at times and too silly at other times were things I’ve often heard about myself – especially as a child. Fast forward to trying to start a family with my husband, Wes, living on a US Naval Air Base at the time (where everyone knows everyone’s business) and of course I was again the one on the outside edges, not quite fitting in. Not only was I extremely infertile, I’d also need a gestational surrogate to carry my children – something that most people were completely unfamiliar with. As I’ve gotten older my armor has gotten stronger, I appear fearless to some, but deep down I still have an innate yearning to “fit-in” and here I was – THE most different than everyone around me in my entire life.
This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. Did you know that 1 in 8 couples struggle to start a family? If you didn’t know the statistics were that high, it is because often the couples will hide behind their shame and disappointment and don’t share their experiences publicly. Some couples get so tired of having to tell their excited loved ones that they had another miscarriage or failed transfer that they stop sharing. They attend baby showers and birthday parties wanting to be happy for their friends and family but in reality, it just makes it harder. National Infertility week is all about building awareness about what is going on all around us and even in our own circles. If you haven’t experienced this struggle yourself you may not fully understand, but you don’t have to in order to make a difference- Sometimes being there is enough. By giving someone a safe space to be vulnerable, you are allowing them to open up and share their raw emotions in the safety of your friendship.
I consider myself an “eternal optimist”. I can almost always find the good in any situation whether in the moment or upon looking back later. In the past I have stated, “everything happens for a reason”. Pondering this more this morning, I realized this statement can be naïve, selfish and insensitive. I have experienced some very traumatic events in my life, and I hate to think those things had to happen to fulfill some higher purpose.
Thankful Thursday – The Greatest Gift
To most, 4 x 4 = 16 but in the Kennerly House 4/4/16 will always be the greatest day of our lives (and not just because Wes is a math nerd.) It’s hard to believe that today marks 3 years for Vivian Claire and Reed Robert’s arrival. Words cannot express the gratitude that radiates from Wes and myself each and every day to God and countless people that made our dreams come true after the hardest battle of our lives. Specifically, Dr. Aimee Eyvazzadeh and her relentless drive to be so amazing at what she does (only the very best Reproductive Endocrinologist in the world!) and Cat Dobbs, our former gestational surrogate and now my forever friend and business partner.
Thankful Thursday - A Doula’s Gratitude - Guest Bekah Saunders from Homestead Mama - Birth Services
My name is Bekah Saunders, I am a Birth & Bereavement Doula serving North Idaho and Eastern Washington. I started my journey into Doula work a little over 2 years ago, and it's become such a great way to serve those around me and my community as a whole. Serving families in the childbearing year and beyond is such a blessing. I will forever be thankful for each family that chooses me to be on their birth team.
